i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
