oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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