I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Randomize
