I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
