he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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