Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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