found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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