my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
