How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
