I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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