I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
being pregnant is like rehab
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
