i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
