its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
