I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
