On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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