there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
