Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
