i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
