i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
