I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
