in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
