i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Be still, my beating vagina.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
