so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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