I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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