Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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