You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
