So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
