He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
