I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
