In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Randomize
