so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
