Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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