Yo dont text me then not text me
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
