Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
