after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
