I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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