Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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