if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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