I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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