Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
