I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
There's always time for handjobs
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
