She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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