Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
