Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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