Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
