dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
you didnt know i had herpes?
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
