the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
handjob tips. give me some.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
