K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
