After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
