I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
